You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
