A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
