i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
