do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
