apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You pole danced in your parka.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
