Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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