if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
