there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
