Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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