can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
