He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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