pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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