These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
