I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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