I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Let's get the cat blown out
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
