i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
false alarm. still invincible.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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