my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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