When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
