SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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