I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
