do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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