My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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