if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Who died my cat blue again?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
