just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
