So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
