he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
