I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
