I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
