Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
