Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
