hell yes lets make some ravioli
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
