I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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