hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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