I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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