He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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