I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
