Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
