apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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