my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
