Just fell off a train. Bad.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
