If that was your dad, he is hot
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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