I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
