Duck Duck Cougar?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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