well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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