god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
