Whod you bang
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
