I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
