Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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