You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
