My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
