Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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