I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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