Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
