So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We are two peas in an std pod
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
