i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
