I just saw a hot homeless man
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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