god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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