just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
