You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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