Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
