Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
