god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was born a porn star she said
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
