I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
