Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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